Just for me….

I want to remember….

Sophie tilting her head up at me from her place in the basket of the Target shopping cart.  She talks to me as we walk up and down the aisles, telling me about how she can get Teddy to go inside and how she thinks she should be a dog trainer.  I want to remember how she giggles and jumps when she gets excited about something.  I want to remember how she clutches my neck and presses her cheeks against mine and requests to be cuddled.  I want to remember the ketchup on her chin and the hair flying out of her pony tail and the deep, dark brown of her almond-shaped eyes.

I want to remember….

Cohen ferociously helping me scrub the laundry room floor in nothing but his Chicago Bears sweatpants.  He wipes the door handles and the shoe rack and the washing machine, all the while telling me this room is gonna “sparkle like the Crystal lake!”  I want to remember how he lugs Ellie around from place to place and builds dens out of our couch cushions and can’t resist tying everything in our house up with bungee cords.  I want to remember his incessant questioning and his uncontrollable laughter.

I want to remember….

Ellie saying “da!” in her confident, no-nonsense tone whenever she sees Jacob.  I want to remember her folding her hands to pray whenever we say grace and pulling herself up to carefully walk along couches and tables.  I want to remember how she tilts her head up, squints her eyes and smiles whenever she knows someone is watching her.  I want to remember her chubby hands waving hi and how she pushes her butt in the air when we say “stand on your head.”  I want to remember carrying her on my hips and kissing her soft cheeks and tickling her tummy.

I don’t want to remember my impatience and my frustration, my apathy and disconnectedness, my anger and exhaustion.

I heard once that when you remember things, you aren’t remembering the actual occurrence, but rather you are remembering the last memory you had of the occurrence.   Which means our memories are actually memories of memories of memories….

What parts of me will live eternally?  Those moments that are marked by goodness, marked by God–  those things I want so desperately to remember.  And what parts of me will perish?  Those moments that are marked by the ego– those things I would like to forget.

“Do not worry about forgetting,” the Spirit whispers to me,  “The goodness and truth you find in those moments is yours eternally.”


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